Waiting

Monday was Jackson's very first "full" day of "school." Full because in October and November when he went to ABC daycare he only ever stayed for three hours max. School because although his new place, Puss in Boots, is also a daycare like ABC was, it really feels more like a preschool. I love everything about it -- the teacher, Patricia, who reminds me of the Julia Child of children, the philosophies, the workshops for parents (which I would have loved if we were staying here since I have unofficially taken on childhood psych as my field of study). It just feels homey. 

The separation is always the hardest part for us. Jackson really puts on a dramatic, heartfelt show for me. Cementing that Catholic guilt I have, making me feel like I am leaving him in the worst place ever. Of course, the logical me knows I am not, which is the only reason I can save my tears for the car, and just say to him matter-of-factly "Jackson I love you, and I'll pick you up in the afternoon." I know if I prolong the goodbye, I just prolong his distress, giving him false hope that maybe, just maybe I'll cave and take him home with me. Really, he gets going on these dramatics even before we leave our house, and the only way I get him into the car is to tell him that we will just go check it out. "Yep, sign says no Jackson come to school. Jackson go home with mommy in mommy's car," he predicts the entire 10-minute drive there. Astutely observing how hard these goodbyes can be, the teachers at Puss in Boots tell me to go get a coffee, call a friend and then call back in half an hour. Thank God they have walked this road before and give us parents empathy. 

Once Maeve and I get settled back home, the house feels so empty and quiet as she takes a very long morning nap (which she can only do since there is no one to wake her). I miss Jackson and have to keep busy talking to my parents on the phone and folding laundry. When I call back, Patricia tells me to pick Jackson up at 3 p.m., so he has more time to settle in. 3 p.m. feels so far away. 

But before I know it, it is time to go pick Jackson up. Drew calls and wants to meet us there -- he hasn't seen the school yet and is anxious to see Jackson too. We walk into the Jr. Kindy room and there he is, looking half little boy/half little man, happily playing along side another little boy/man. When he turns around and sees us, his face lights up with a smile, and our hearts burst a little. 

"Look," he holds out a peg board with nails pounded in neat rows. "He nailed all those in," Patricia tells us. "For mommy. For mommy and papa's party," he tells us. It is clear he has had a great day at school. 

He is chatter, chatter in the car on the way home; so excited about the growing he has done. But he isn't going to let me forget how hard it is for us to be apart. "Jackson cries lots," he recounts. "Mommy does lots of shopping for Jackson. Jackson waits and waits and waits." 

Yep, buddy, I was waiting too.